Your editor, Keith Pickles, being a very brave man, telephoned me (and I might add did not reverse the charge), asking me something - and I will leave it up to him to tell you if he cares to. I remember someone else, not up north I hasten to add, and I am lying through my teeth, who took me up on my offer to do a free show or lecture for them. All I wanted was my travel expenses to be covered and a hotel for the night. Frankly I would always travel back the same night, but there are not too many trains that leave at twelve thirty at night, which means getting back to the London stations about four in the morning - and no utterly respectable magician should be out in sinful London at that time in the morning muttering those oft quoted words "never again". Now editors of magazines are known for their expert choice of words, and that applies to those who book acts in particular. They make certain that contracts include a 'no squeeze out' clause; even death being frowned upon. So I can fully understand that when someone agreed to my request that they would not pay a fee, just expenses, they were under the mistaken impression that I would be travelling by rail. Now whilst even the most unreasonable man might grudgingly agree that my mode of transport (Executive jet from London Airport) might be a little excessive, or should that be expensive, the airport is near to me and so the booker will have saved on my train fare up to London. I always stay at the best hotels. My reason being not due to sheer snobbery, which I will readily agree with, but the terrible pain one suffers if you stop at someone's house. The first thing to remember is, if you are wise, you will catch an early train up or down to the venue, arriving at least six or seven hours before the lecture or show. This is due to British Rail cancelling or having a train going off the rails or of course the wrong kind of leaves/snow/anything at all on the tracks. And by the time you arrive, all those that came to hear your lecture have gone home. So by leaving early, around eight in the morning, should the train break down or not arrive at all, it will give you time to make a panic stricken call to whoever booked you, and then make eight of nine changes by various buses, and arrive. Or better still, look out for a friendly farmer, and make the rest of the journey on horseback. So far, going to this venue, you have spent five, or possibly six, exhausting hours; and arriving (if indeed you so do), you will be greeted by an enthusiastic group, or a dejected looking man, who seeing you in this sorry state is beginning to worry that you are not going to go over well that evening i.e. in three minutes time. So on you go. I have been flattered very often to be asked to go on for another thirty minutes until I found out that those that asked were not attending the lecture, but in the bar. So the lecture, or show, is over, and out of the goodness of their hearts you are invited to stop with one of the members, very often a trained paramedic, who is not too happy about your being on your own for the night. So far you have been on the go for well over nineteen hours. Now I am one of those unfortunate people who cannot get their head down for a few hours sleep on a train. So I watch the passing scenery, which keeps the brain active, and arrive, as stated, completely exhausted. So you are at this person's house, and it is possibly well after midnight. His wife, wise woman, went to bed hours ago, 'cos she knows her husband and possibly fifty or sixty magicians will be at her house talking magic till the sun comes up, and in the winter that ain't all that early. By now your eyeballs will be resting on your cheeks, and try as you might, you cannot help snarling that you do not want another cup of blasted coffee. Your body, drained of all energy (not that you had much to start with), is also drained of all emotions, except possibly two. One being that you hate magic; the other being that you hate magicians. So stopping at a hotel and having a nice quite word with the manager, he will offer his sincere(?) regrets, but all hotel guests must be out by twelve, or August, whichever comes first. That will allow you to get some rest prior to getting the horse back to the farmer the following day. Mind you, I have found that trains never break down when I am on my way back home or going to hospital for an operation. Possibly you might call me unreasonable, and you may possibly be right. But I can remember with utter horror when I was invited over to Perth in Western Australia. I cannot say that travelling economy (Just above the wheel arch) makes that journey all that enjoyable, despite the thirty seconds stopover in Singapore. The reception committee were 100% welcoming, and we drove back to the convention motel. There were a few others waiting there, and having being greeted, I made the fatal mistake of trying to unpack, and out fell with my underpants a couple of small (of course) magical items. "Boy", said one of the assembly, "We ain't seen one of those over here." Now I know that I was booked to do a lecture and show, and I was quite willing to do that once I had slept the normal fifty six hours to shed off the jet lag. But despite one organiser saying something about let the poor (censored) person alone for tonight, this was ignored. With my whole body screaming out for rest, even my fingernails had gone pail, I started demming. I guess you can call me selfish, as one couple had travelled by coach for nearly twelve hours to make that convention. Yes, maybe I am a miserable old (censored), but people like me, who dare to think that they have something to offer (rightly or wrongly) cannot really moan, if some who have only travelled from the next road to see you, think that you are stand offish. But in all honesty I am not a snob, I just want that executive jet and that first class hotel (with that manager) and full English breakfast - and also possibly that paramedic to get me to the station on time the following morning. (Editor Comment: You may have guessed from the above, but in case you haven't, Henrique will be lecturing for us in April - his last ever lecture.) |
