The Billet Article - Editorial

This article is taken from The Billet Issue - 429 - Dec 2007, Authored by Keith Pickles

Editorial

It’s time for my 20th and final Christmas Billet, so what can I possibly write that I have not covered before in my Christmas editorials over the last 20 years. Well, perhaps there is one item that I have never previously covered in print and, whilst not exactly to do Christmas, is one question I have been asked on several occasions; and that is “Why The Billet?” Where did the name come from?

For those of you who were not in the Bradford Magic Circle 20 years ago, you will not realise that until I took over the editor’s role the magazine was called The Mirage (for a short while) and before that The Bulletin. In fact you may still hear some of the ‘really’ old members still calling it The Bulletin. When I tool it over I wanted to create my own style and magazine and part of that was to re-name it, particularly as under The Mirage it had not been published on a regular basis. Being, even in those days, into a little mind-reading, I thought that the French word, billet (or billet in English) meaning a small note in writing or, as used in magical terms, representing a small piece of paper on which some, mainly, hidden word is placed, would be a suitable term to use for the magazine I was taking on. Bear in mind that the magazine I took over had one or two A4 pages to it, unlike today’s nine or ten. So that was the origin of the name of the magazine. And the follow-up question to this is “and how do you pronounce it?” Now if you want to be French, as I do when I pronounce it, then it is Bilét (with a silent ‘t’. If you want the English pronunciation then it is Billet (with the ‘t’ heavily pronounced – particularly to the Yorkshireman).

And so, to keep a Christmas feel to the editorial, here are a few Christmas jokes that you might find in this year’s (or any other years) crackers:

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!

How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change your name to Emergency Exit!

How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

How do witches tell the time?
With a witch-watch!

How do you start a polar-bear race?
Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

I say, I say, I say! My wife's gone to the West Indies!
Jamaica?
No. She was quite happy to go!

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand?
Fingers!

I'm letting my pet pig sleep on my bed!
What about the smell?
He'll just have to get used to it!

What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!

What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!

What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?
Lucy Lastick!

And so after that lot all I can do is wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Select a year to view - 2009 || 2008 || 2007 || 2006 || 2005 || 2004 || 2003 || 2001