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It may seem a bit strange as its still November but by my reckoning this is the last column before Christmas. So let’s have a break from the books and go for some light relief. I make no apologies if you have heard or read these before. Christmas jokes are supposed to be corny. OK here we go, these first ones may not be all that festive but I like them. After every flight, Qantas (the Australian airline), pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' ‘pilots’ and the solutions recorded (marked with ‘Service') by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. . Enjoy!
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Service: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Service: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Service: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Service: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Service: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud.
Service: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
Service: That's what they're for.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Service: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Service: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
Service: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Service: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Service: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
Service: Took hammer away from midget
Now for something more seasonal, these are the top ten Christmas cracker jokes as compiled by the BBC. (You would think they had better things to do!!). Once again I make apologies if you have read or heard them before.
Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
Why are chocolate buttons rude? Because they are Smarties in the nude.
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts? Hope you like Jammin too.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin? You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down.
What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Ok, OK I’ll stop now, but may I be one of the first to wish all the Billet readers and their families and friends and very Magical Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!
